Clicks 3 and 4

So you missed posting something last week, I am telling the voices. You were talking to people and playing with your kids instead of typing. No big deal.

Click #3:  Sometimes you might not do a thing that you promised yourself you'd do. It's because you're a human and you have a BABY in your home.

I remember a Little House on the Prairie episode where Laura runs away to find God and she climbs up these big rocks and feels like she's closer and closer, because she's literally on higher ground and closer to heaven. I guess I am doing the same thing, kind of.

I have decided to join the temple and raise our kids Jewish. It's a long, boring story, but I'm Catholic and my husband's Jewish, and we're going with Jewish. I love religion. I love belonging to something. I love the music and I love that you get to just sit there and think about things and unwind. But I don't always love meeting new people. I am usually great with first impressions for some reason, but then the more I know someone I feel like I have to always keep being funny and "on" or they won't like me anymore. So I am stepping into a new community of people, unsure of myself.

Also, I'm a writer. So that means I don't just get to sit and write all day (maybe someday it will). That means I teach writing classes, write book reviews, and direct high school musicals? YES. That's what it means right now.

Click #4:  Starting new things is SCARY and it will always be for you but remember that you LOVE it and that it will bring you to where you want to be. Period.

Click #2

I am listening to Hall and Oates on headphones now, trying to NOT feel crazy. There's no way to sleep right now. Unless you are my half-deaf husband who can sleep through anything. Our 5 month old baby is trying to put himself back to sleep. Again.

Everyone said, "it's easier the second time" with kids. Ha ha. It's JUST AS HARD. 

I imagined kissing Simon all over. Each little finger and his neck, his fat stomach, the sides of his chest, his eyes. I imagined holding him forever. Just eating him up.

I also imagined what goes on in these brothels in Cambodia where young girls are trafficked. I thought maybe if I thought about something FAR WORSE than my HEALTHY baby "crying it out" it'd be easier.

I imagined myself running myself into the wall. I imagined myself jumping off our balcony.

I imagined sleeping. Just sleeping all the way through the night. I imagined throwing the glass of water next to me on the floor.

I tried to meditate. Tried to look to that third eye that they talk about in yoga and saw yellow shapes floating and twisty turny splotches.

Click #2:  Some things are JUST HARD. And sometimes I CAN'T see the other side. I CAN'T know in that moment that "everything's going to turn out okay." And maybe THAT just has to be okay.

My dad said, "In the old days, you gave the baby food, made sure he had a clean diaper and wasn't sick, tossed him in the bed and said, 'go to sleep' and that's it." 

Now there are a thousand blogs and wesbites and books and experts and too many products and methods. I'm with Grandpa Nails.

Wait.

He stopped.

For now...

Click #1

Hello. Just reaching out into the mist of the internet with a new blog. I have talked myself into and out of making this blog over the last few weeks. I have decided to quiet the voices in my head that say:

1. No one cares!
2. You are bad at keeping up with blogging!
3. What you are going to write will be dumb!


I have decided instead to listen to these voices:

1. You had an idea so let it be born
2. You love writing
3. In the big scheme of the world and all of the tragedies lately, it's totally no big deal

I plan to post an entry every week trying to articulate something new that I have figured out that week. It doesn't have to be life-changing, it could be something like, "it's actually easy to make a quiche." Just something that clicked that week. At the end of the year, I will have 52 new clicks.

I'm a writer (obviously), but no, I mean not a writer who writes blogs, a writer who aspires to write professionally, who sort of semi-writes professionally. Okay. I guess that's the same thing as a writer who writes blogs! I adore children's literature and write middle grade fiction.

Click #1:
Me: "I'd like a book of stamps, please."
Post Office Lady: "We're out of stamps."
Me: (pause) But this is the post office.
Post Office Lady: (pause) What do you want me to tell you? We ordered some more, but I don't know when they're coming in."

Okay. Our post office in Brooklyn is THE WORST one ever. Have you ever seen this YouTube video? That is OUR POST OFFICE. Of all of the zip codes in the United States, THAT is the post office that I go to when I need stamps or need to mail or pick up a package. EVERYONE in there is in a bad mood. The staff, the customers. Babies in strollers in line with their moms.

Anyway, I stood in line today to get stamps because the stamp machine was broken (of course). But I thought, hey, I'm only getting stamps. What could go wrong? I'm not picking up a package or mailing anything or needing anything other than what the post office is all about: 20 lil' ole' stamps. But I guess I forgot where I was! My click is that NO MATTER WHAT, things don't always turn out the way that I expect them to. Even in the most sure-fire, failsafe circumstances, LIFE WILL SURPRISE ME.

I am going to be 40 this October (does that make this blog a cliche?) and I thought that life would have gotten a little smoother by now. Not even necessarily easier, just less bumpy. I recently lost my literary agent because she said that my latest novel was too quiet. But I had planned on her loving it and being able to sell it right away, unlike my previous novel! I had planned on this being the year that I would sign another book contract! Maybe a couple of them!

Well, we'll see. I am looking forward to clicking all year long.

The photo is a pie that I baked and ate most of. Peace.