Click #2

I am listening to Hall and Oates on headphones now, trying to NOT feel crazy. There's no way to sleep right now. Unless you are my half-deaf husband who can sleep through anything. Our 5 month old baby is trying to put himself back to sleep. Again.

Everyone said, "it's easier the second time" with kids. Ha ha. It's JUST AS HARD. 

I imagined kissing Simon all over. Each little finger and his neck, his fat stomach, the sides of his chest, his eyes. I imagined holding him forever. Just eating him up.

I also imagined what goes on in these brothels in Cambodia where young girls are trafficked. I thought maybe if I thought about something FAR WORSE than my HEALTHY baby "crying it out" it'd be easier.

I imagined myself running myself into the wall. I imagined myself jumping off our balcony.

I imagined sleeping. Just sleeping all the way through the night. I imagined throwing the glass of water next to me on the floor.

I tried to meditate. Tried to look to that third eye that they talk about in yoga and saw yellow shapes floating and twisty turny splotches.

Click #2:  Some things are JUST HARD. And sometimes I CAN'T see the other side. I CAN'T know in that moment that "everything's going to turn out okay." And maybe THAT just has to be okay.

My dad said, "In the old days, you gave the baby food, made sure he had a clean diaper and wasn't sick, tossed him in the bed and said, 'go to sleep' and that's it." 

Now there are a thousand blogs and wesbites and books and experts and too many products and methods. I'm with Grandpa Nails.

Wait.

He stopped.

For now...